Friday, April 29, 2011

Need Advice for the Socially Challenged (me)

This is long and I'm sorry. I want to get back to posting but my brain is consumed with something. Maybe someone out there will have some advice. If not, no worries. At least I'm getting it off my chest, right?

I can’t fucking take this and I need some advice. Over the past couple of years, I’ve been trying to be more social and try to make friends (after some major breakups and betrayals). Last fall I met this girl and we hit it off, but she lives about an hour or more away from me. We’ve only met up a few times in the past 7 months since we met. A couple of months ago, the shit hit the fan for me on many levels and I became overloaded which causes me to shut down. I quit responding to her emails and phone calls because I was overwhelmed and didn’t want to commit to something (yet knowing I’m a pushover and always say yes). I finally emailed her a month ago explaining my lack of contact and apologizing for any hurt feelings. I also try to make it clear that we didn’t really know each other that well and I’m not comfortable sharing my personal stuff, even though we seemed to click quite well.

Fair enough, right? I was as honest as I could be but I also let her know that this is how I handle stuff. I was hoping to get back to her shortly but there was more shit to come. After that email, I had a huge falling out with a family member, we had to come up with several thousand dollars and it was my fault we got into the situation, my husband and I had our first real fight, my doctor blew me off and encouraged me to isolate myself, and a slew of other stuff happened.

First of all, I do not feel sorry for myself and all these hardships I’ve dealt with lately were good for me. I’m not a victim and I think I came away stronger and with some personal growth. It also got be back on track with blogging and that’s been a big help (thank you guys).

Here’s the deal- this friend has been trying to contact me again and I’ve had too much going on to read her emails (I get insanely obsessed over things and if I read her emails, there’s a chance it will cause some serious stress issues). It’s silly, I know. And I feel like a total jackass and complete basket case for being so emotionally weak, but that’s why I went to my doctor and I’m working on it.

I was planning on addressing the “friend” issue this weekend after having some much needed work. Unfortunately, I just saw part of the email she sent me and she is pissed off. I know what’s going to be in the email from the tone- I’m inconsiderate, inconsistent, dishonest about wanting to be friends, and I know I’ve hurt her feelings (probably beyond repair). I don’t know if the email is an attempt to see if I still want to be friends or if it’s just an email tearing me a new one.

So, I need some advice, if anyone has any to share. At this time, I’m not comfortable with talking to her. I understand how she feels and I know I’ve confused her but we’re grown women, right? We don’t know each other that well and I think I was honest in the last email. I thought that she would understand that this isn’t about her. Not one bit. My husband thinks I should just call her but I don’t know what to say and I don’t want to make plans to get together to repair this because I’m confused.

Look, if anyone can relate, or if anyone understands what it’s like to be neurologically different (mild Asperger’s) and confused by social situations and social norms, please help me. I’m going to drive my husband crazy with this and the longer I bottle this up, the more it will spill out through isolation. This shakes my confidence to be even a little bit social and I feel like I should just do everyone a favor and keep to myself. And that’s what I’ve been doing. But people won’t let me do that either. Everyone wants answers-

“Why do you do that, Amelia? Why do you disappear? What did I do to you?”

Anyone? I can take criticism and tough love. I don’t want to hurt this girl but at the same time, I feel she’s stepping over boundaries. In fact, I’m fairly certain she contacted a friend I introduced her to and inquired about me. That’s another reason I haven’t read her emails. I saw that in the first two lines of one of her emails and it made me uncomfortable.

I’ll stop talking now….


  1. Hey lovely
    If you wanna be friends with this girl you need to be honest with her, perhaps take it slowly?
    If you don't, you need to explain that youre gonna cut contact with her. You need to do what's best for you!
    Hope this helps! :)

  2. Thanks, Jen. You're right. The answer is simple. The execution of the action is the tough part. I need patterns and order to understand, but I can't expect people to follow set behaviors. I wish my doctor wouldn't blow me off. He thinks I'm better than this; that i'm better than getting hung up on silly things. But I genuinely care about the feelings of others. So much that I end up paralyzed and feeling that it's best to just fade into the woodwork.

    Thank you. It helps that others listen simply because they chose to do it. Your kindness gives me confidence and your advice is to the point and on point.

  3. It seems from the above post that you feel more at peace about this. I'm glad <3 My best advice to you is just to tell her what you just told all of us above - because your post was the honest truth, right? That's what she needs to hear. If she's a true friend, she'll accept you for how you are, awkwardness and all :)

  4. (Sorry this took so long I've been uber busy and stressed with no time to even read blogs)
    I agree with Lita, if she's a true friend she will understand. I have been in your situation a fair few times (whenever life gets too much I sort of shut down) and I can tell you know, your true friends are the ones who don't give up on you. Find people who understand you, who don't need attention 24/7 but who you have a blast with. Personally I can go without seeing people for months during busy uni times and when we catch up its like we saw each other yesterday. Give it a go, you don't have to tell her everything, just explain you were going through a tough time but you are still willing to give the friendship a go too. If she gets upset over this and doesn't want to see you its her loss. You're amazingly wonderful and I don't see why everyone wouldn't want to be your friend :) xxx