All this blogging has inspired me to face one of my fears. Since I was old enough to write in a journal, I’ve been taking notes- thoughts, rants, wishes, ideas, stories, dreams, words, memories, etc. I have held on to almost every piece of paper, bound journal, notebook, napkin, electronic files, and any other thing I used to record life events, yet I have never gone back to read any of them. Once in a while, I would scan through something or look for a memory, but for the most part, I’ve been afraid to face my past.
It’s been building for a while. I’ve kept these things for a reason, and that reason has been itching at the back of my brain (probably somewhere in the pineal gland), bubbling to the surface. I’m ready to face myself, and my thoughts. It’s time for me to take all these chaotic (dated) notes, and put them in order. It’s time for me to review my life and I think it’s going to help me move forward. I’ll be able to explain this better as time passes, I hope. For now, I’d like to share a note from my past. I will not interpret it or make comments at this time, except for this- I’m aware that my thoughts are repeating and obsessive. It’s time to breathe life into these thoughts, share them and let them go. Take the message and move forward. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe this is going to be a trip to crazy, obsessive town- a place that my mind gets stuck in a gear, unable to move forward but frantically revving the engine in futile effort to forget. Fuck it. Enjoy. Note the date:
August 20, 2001
(*A dated note on a single piece of paper, torn from a spiral notebook)
In the grand scheme of things, nothing changes. It just cycles. I enter a new place, knowing no one. And I try to handle myself and situations differently. And still, the same reactions, same order of events. It’s like Groundhog’s Day. It’s as if there is already a natural order to my life. These events will happen. These people will react this way no matter what. Maybe the trick isn’t to try to change myself, but to be me to the fullest. Each day I sabotage myself- I rig my day to fail in some spectacular, hopeless way. As if to say, “See? I told you it would happen.”
As always, my dreams are evolving before me, spiraling towards an answer. Feels like I’m falling. But maybe my dreams are telling me not to fight who I am.
In my dreams, often I am trying to explain to others that this is a dream. Most of the time, my efforts to convince are futile- people don’t listen, don’t care. Once in a while, a curious figure will listen, but in the end, the only important thing is that I know.
Understanding is personal. The comfort it provides in my own experience. Others will have to find their own answers.
I fight gravity too much. Like fighting physics.
The same scenario. Always the same scenario. They happen far enough apart to feel like déjà vu at first.
All people have a desire to control pain. Some prefer to inflict pain to stop the emotional pain they can’t control.”