I’m having a rough day today, but it’s not so much about me. Some very dear friends could have died the other night and the story behind that is mortifying (because of my nightmares and my photographic memory, I have a hard time not visualizing the details). Also, a family member is struggling and I gave her the money I was going to use for yoga (which brings me to tears because it’s the one thing that helps me and eliminates my need for sleep aids).
I’m not making this about me as I am very lucky to maintain a positive outlook and I have found a way to approach most of my challenges with a “bring it on” attitude. I don’t tend to feel sorry for myself, but I do have a propensity to blame myself and feel as if I were more organized and responsible and wasn’t such a fuck up, I’d have more to offer. People are often annoyed by my ability to “always look on the bright side of life” (Monty Python, if you’re wondering). What they don’t realize is that this is my survival mechanism.
U2 has a beautiful song called, “Running to Stand Still” which has been my personal anthem for over 15 years. The song was inspired by the heroin addiction in Dublin during the time. But, of course as most songs are, it’s a metaphor for many things. When I heard this song I connected with it because of my dreams. Since I experience sleep paralysis and lucid nightmares, along with intense sensations of pain and overwhelming emotions, it made me think of how, when I’m trapped in the sleep paralysis, I can’t move but in my mind, I can hear myself screaming and thrashing. I could dissect each lyric but I’ll just mention a few for the sake of time:
“And so she woke up
Woke up from where she was lying still
Said I gotta do something about where we're going”
When I wake up from these nightmares, this is what I hear in my head.
"I see seven towers
But I only see one way out
You got to cry without weeping
Talk without speaking
Scream without raising your voice"
This symbolizes not knowing what to do to find my way out and, in my dreams, I am crying without weeping, talking without words, and I’m screaming with no sound and no one to hear me.
"Stolen from the sea she is raging, she is raging
And the storm blows up in her eyes
She will suffer the needle chill
She's running to stand still"
The raging sea plays a big part in my dreams (symbolizing positive and negative strength). I feel the wind in my dreams as well, which is a strange but constant theme.
For me, the chill of the needle is more about the metamorphosis my brain enters into, this altered state by no fault of my own, fucking with my senses.
So, all of my life, I’ve been Running to Stand Still. Running from these nightmares, hoping that one day I will find stillness.
Skinny Vegan- I promise to get back to you as soon as I can (I have work today) but I want to share so much with you (and others). I understand your struggle and I think we can help each other. You are constantly in my thoughts and I thank all of you for giving me the strength to share my secrets. You guys help me keep a positive attitude, even when I feel like a complete failure.
Much love and I hope you all have a wonderful Monday (or Tuesday, depending where you live, of course!)