Courage

I really need to go to bed but I clicked on a blog and listened to a song while reading the lyrics and it just fucking got to me. I have to keep this short because-

#1-I want to watch Smallville (I am a fan, longterm, forever. Yep. Fucking love Smallville I can school most nerds in Smallville trivia.)

#2- I got a hot dress and a hot date tomorrow and I want to feel well rested.

This song, correct me if I’m wrong, is about an ED. I think to myself, “I can’t relate. I’ve never been either” (thinking only ana/mia), but I’m forgetting something and I’m not able to be completely honest because I don’t know how to articulate it. My obsession was weight management through constant physical activity and exercise, not ana or mia. That's another topic for another time. But I’m missing something, what brought here is because there is a connection, a struggle.

So, I decide to listen to the song and I realized that I am struggling because I am constantly putting up smoke and mirrors. I don’t want to hide but it seems to me that people just want me to say I’m ok and not talk about anything that might evoke emotions. No one wants to talk about their fears. My oldest friend; the girl I met when I was 9 years old. My best friend but we did not spend our teenage years together. She changed and the friendship is gone. She said it when I last saw her. She said that “of course we have to project an image and of course I have to keep secrets even from you. That’s how it is and that’s what people do.” Is it me? Am I a child still? My heart sank because she was saying that it’s absolutely crucial to survive to never completely reveal yourself to others, not even the one you love. And this makes me so sad; almost distraught.

I hear such a strange silence when I think about this. When are we taught this? Why did I miss it? Why am I so gullible, so willing to take people at face value and be honest? I have been reprimanded as an adult for not “faking it till I make it”. I’m angry that people expect me to fake anything. And they get mad when I don’t do it in a believable and genuine manner. I feel like I’m forced to tell a lot of lies to make people feel better and they aren’t necessary. There’s no reason not to share but I’ve learned and I’ve also learned to watch people’s eyes and mannerisms to know when I need to stop talking or spin things around. Sometimes I reach out and I try to share something. I did it again tonight. I shouldn’t have. Something bad might come out of it. I’ll keep you posted.

This song got to me. The hardest part of being me is that I see others share. I see others commune and socialize. So, what I’m hearing, what I’m feeling is that I’m not good enough to be heard. People dismiss me; blow me off like I’m some fucking little girl. And that’s what this is about- whatever I’m doing right now, I finally feel like I’m making it, that I’m stronger. Why am I listening to these other people? Why am I not just fully speaking out, taking all the chances, embracing who I am? I don’t have anything to lose and I have a lot of confidence in my sanity and my ability to take care of myself.

I’m nervous about going out tomorrow because there will be a lot of people who know me. I prefer strangers- first impression are my forte. At least I have my husband. People accept me because of him and because we finally got married. They like me better because now they know at least there’s something semi-normal, grounded about me. I resent that so much. He is not my keeper and he does not define me (fortunately, we agree on this and that’s all that matters). I’m trying to rehearse what to say and I know when I get nervous, I act weird. I have strange movements and tics. There not bad enough for people to be clued in that it’s neurological, so they think there’s something up with me. I'm always amazed that people think I have this enormous amount of confidence, but when they find out that I'm this insecure child who just wants a friend, it's like they're disgusted me. Like how could I be so pathetic?

So, I need my sleep so I’ll be balanced tomorrow and be well equipped to fend off the natives and keep them at arm’s length. After all, that’s what they’ve asked of me and I’m doing my best to do it convincingly. Wish me luck.

Sweet Dreams, all.